You know how there are those people who are all like just disconnect and spend your days touching minds, hearts, and bodies of real people? And then at night, under the moonlight, they get into their canoe that they built by hand, row out in the middle of some fucking water somewhere, and have philosophical conversations with all the fish that have gathered around their pristine aura? Well, fuck those people. I mean, everybody’s different, so yay for them, but I want to reek of the internet. I want my aura all dirty with zeros and ones. When I need an extra long shower curtain, I don’t want to ask the checkout person for the nearest place only to get the wrong directions and end up somewhere else that doesn’t even have extra long shower curtains. I want to look that shit up on the internet. I don’t want to have sex with other people. Fuck it — it’s overrated. I want to watch other people have sex on the internet. I want to roll my eyes on the internet. I want to LOL and OMG on the internet. I want someone to tell me to go DIAF on the internet. I want to be able to talk about the newest internet meme, without having to actually pronounce meme, because fuck people. I don’t know. But I can look it up on the internet! I want to read news and gossip and dramz on the interent. I want to look up how to spell words I already know how to spell on the internet. I want to become both smarter and dumber on the internet. And think of this when I read things about net neutrality on the internet. I want to rage and emo out and rant and get chatty on the internet. I want to be self righteous on the internet and I want to get irritated at others who get self righteous on the internet. I want to post Morrissey and watch clips and bitch on the internet. I want to blingee on the internet. I want to delete on the internet. I want you to suck my time, internet, and kill my productivity. Those people who say you’re over? Fuck those people. Tell them to build a fucking canoe. They won’t. They can’t quit you. I CAN’T QUIT YOU!! Yes, we need our time apart. I can’t very well talk shit about you, internet, to you. But not like this. Not this long. Not ever again. I LOVE YOU, INTERNET! And I want everyone to know it.